The NPC guide to survival: how to live a long & happy life as an unnamed videogame character

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Avoid open areas filled with chest-high walls

Many things in life need to be chest-high. Peep holes, changing room mirrors, chest-press machines on their sides… Chest-high walls, meanwhile, serve no conceivable security purpose whatsoever beyond possibly walling in a bonsai garden against a gang of vandal dormice. Their appearance in a big open space means only one thing: that the protagonist is on his way from a long stint of not killing anyone, and won’t leave until he’s seen you do the same canned death animation as the other nine body-obstacles you dared to clutter his path with.

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