Straight to the bargain bin: The worst PlayStation games around
Jurassic: The Hunted
I don’t want to turn into ‘that guy’, but Jurassic: The Hunted left me with questions. Firstly: if you were investigating disappearances in the Bermuda Triangle, would you really parachute in during an electrical storm? Secondly, surely even the self-preservation society would be disturbed by a reaction to discovering an island’s worth of dinos that involves slaughtering them all in a hail of bullets? And has one of the characters been called Dr Sayrus because it sounds a tiny bit like ‘saurus’? Is this the gentlest example of ‘comedy’ in videogames? Beyond the qualms this is a serviceable if undistinguished FPS – but the T-Rex looks nothing like the one in Jurassic Park, so I’m out.
Cabela’s Outdoor Adventures
This month I’ve played a Cabela game. In other news: night has followed day, the passage of time has continued forwards, and the internet still contains pornography. This time it’s been Cabela’s Outdoor Adventures, which again sees innocent animals being gunned down for sport. And again, moral objections aside, I kind of enjoyed it. This one’s slightly worse as the animals are more robust, meaning that unless you get a clean kill, they limp on sadly… then you panic, try to put them out of their misery, and fire another non-deadly shot into their bleeding rump. I just wish the beautiful locations in these games could be used for something more wholesome.
8-Wheeler American Pro Trucker
The main – and perhaps only – appeal to playing 18-Wheeler American Pro Trucker in the arcade was the cabinet. A shiny red edifice that loomed over the other machines, just stepping inside it was enough to make you feel like a real long-distance lorry driver speeding across the American deserts. I’m pretty sure I even finished one session with a sunburnt left arm. So playing the game on a home console takes away a little of the magic: all you’re left with is a choppy, blocky racing game featuring enormous chunks of colour that handle like a bendy bus on a glacier. I might make my own replica cabinet out of cardboard and sticky-back plastic.
Men In Black: Alien Crisis
The best thing about Men In Black: Alien Crisis is the menu screen. And even that’s not very good: it’s just a shiny logo in front of which some aliens lark about with one another. But it’s the game’s best feature by some distance, because once you go beyond it there’s nothing but misery and a search for even a shred of quality that’s as futile as trying to beat up a fridge. It’s mostly an on-rails shooter in which a generic man fires generic guns at generic aliens, which is occasionally interrupted by cut-scenes that are currently the bookies’ favourite for the Prize For Outstanding Genericism at the World Generic Awards 2012.