Straight to the bargain bin: PlayStation games that would punch you in the face if they could
Cartoon Network: Punch Time Explosion XL
The trouble with Cartoon Network: Punch Time Explosion XL, other than a title that chews up half my word count, is that it’s a shameless rip-off of Super Smash Bros. Only instead of the fun and frantic arena brawling of that multiplayer stalwart, this has arena brawling that is… not fun and not frantic. And it’ll never be a stalwart of anything. It also replaces iconic characters such as Mario and Donkey Kong with people you’ve never heard of, unless you’re serially unemployed and watch nothing but cartoons all day as you sit with Dorito dust on your fingers. What’s that? PlayStation All-Stars what now? Dunno what you’re on about…
Scooby Doo! Night Of 100 Frights
I know Scooby-Doo loves his snacks, but this is utterly ridiculous. No sooner has Scooby-Doo! Night Of 100 Frights got going than the entire game is filled with enormous rotating biscuits, and barely a second goes by without a loud “CHOMP!” emanating from the peckish pooch. Pull yourself together, Scoobs – the rest of the cast are investigating a haunted house, Shaggy’s gone missing: this is not the time for treats. Irritatingly, the game makes the incessant chomping entirely necessary, as collecting the snacks scattered across the 3D platform levels is the only way to open up new areas and progress. Not that there’s any good reason why you’d want to.
The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe
These CS Lewis kids are nails hard. In the first mission of The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe a 13-year-old boy beats down several wooden doors with his bare hands. Moments later an eight-year-old girl calmly walks across a narrow beam, mere feet above a firey pit whose flames lick about her ankles. The best thing I’d done by age eight was complete a WWF sticker album – and I’d take my Hulk Hogan shiny over her third-degree burns any day. A bit like a 3D The Lost Vikings, you must use the abilities of all four kids to take on Narnia’s snowy challenges. It’s largely guff, but the nostalgia (and Turkish delight cravings) do help.
Charlie And The Chocolate Factory
Never have I seen someone go to such lengths for $10 as in the opening level of Charlie And The Chocolate Factory. The nondescript blob of colour masquerading as the lead character not only chases money all around a town, he climbs on top of a factory chimney, slides down a snowy street on a dustbin lid, and nearly gets hit by several articulated lorries. It’s only money, Chaz – it can’t buy you love. Beyond that, this is one of the buggiest games you can imagine, with glitching enemies, disappearing floors, and invisible barriers up the wazoo. Even Augustus Gloop would steer clear.