The madness of earning Metal Gear Solid HD’s kerotan frog trophy

Save yourself the pain of experiencing anything like what you’re about to read with our MGS 3HD Trophy Guide to all Kerotan Frog locations.

My. Brain. Is. Battered. It’s 6:42 in the morning, I’ve been up for roughly 22 hours and I’ve completed MGS3 HD four times since I was last ushered into the Land Of Nod in my Jurassic Park PJs. As a man who frequently flirts with the Grim Reaper after falling asleep with pizzas in the oven after nights on the fermented apples, I’m no stranger to ruining myself. But this is too far.

If you’re a long-time reader, you may well be familiar with my OCD-addled Metal Gear madness. A few years back, I played Guns Of The Patriots’ Eastern European bike chase for four hours, desperately trying not to kill anyone so I could snag the Big Boss trophy. And that wasn’t even a real Sony-sponsored pot, just a piddling in-game ranking. Now, though, I’m going for that most hallowed of pretend possessions: a platinum trophy.

On a scale from heartbreaking to ‘Mufasa being trampled to lion heaven by wildebeest’, unlocking Snake Eater’s ultimate prize was a ticker-destroying doozy. The checklist of trophies required the patience and steely resolve of a Yeomen Warder being mooned by a posse of WKD-chugging sixth formers.

I had to shoot, eat or collect 48 types of flora and fauna. From slithering slowly through long grass to spook a rare avadavat (that’s a chirpy dastard of a bird, kids) to planting traps and waiting for 27 minutes to capture a mythical serpent called a tsuchinoko. It was awful.

And that was the easy part. My real Davey Boy Smith vs Goliath moment came in the form of the ultimate foe: a tiny, ribbeting green so-and-so called a kerotan frog. Actually, it wasn’t just one of these hopping sods I had to contend with. No, I had to painstakingly find and precisely shoot 64 of the elastic-tongued tykes to unlock the It Ain’t Easy Being Green gold trinket.

That’s a frog for every single area in the game. At this point I should probably mention you have to whack every one in a single sitting for the trophy to unlock. Considering there are several bottleneck areas in the game that you can’t revisit after progressing past, it’s easy to throw away hours of your life because you overlooked one. Which I did… on two separate playthroughs. Mummy!

Picture the ridiculous scene. It’s roughly 3:30am. I’ve noted where every single frog is after two previous botched attempts where I might have forgotten to merc the ones hidden in boss areas. Despite the fact I can feel the contents of my brainbox dripping through my ears, I’ve managed to get to the game’s late Grozny Grad base having annihilated every frog in a two-hour speed run. I’m just about to blast the 59th one and… I realise I forgot to nail number 57. And now I can’t go back. Kill me.

With all the internal, enraged repression of a Buffalo Bill wannabe, I quietly bring up the in-game XMB, quit out, reload Snake’s jungle adventure and proceed to start again from frog one. Over the next three hours I barely blink or let a conscious thought run through my head. At 7:12am I bag the final green fiend. The gold trophy pings, swiftly followed by Peter Platinum. I’ve done it. Sure, I’m sleep-deprived, hallucinating about FR07 the French, Bond-aping amphibian and I kno… zzzzzzzzzzzzz.